The opposite of low self-worth is immense self-love. We must allow limitless self-love to move in and through us if we want to join in deep, meaningful connection with ourselves and the world around us—if we want peace. If self-love is the solution, how do we get there? We stop the judgment, and the shaming.

Don’t let anybody tell you that your grievance is less significant than anyone else’s, for pain does not wear the same face. Your ache is not the same as mine and it’s not supposed to be. This is not a rivalry of trauma, nor do you need to justify its severity for it to be true for you. We are not in competition for who suffers more; there is no prize for the one walking around with the most trouble. There will always be people with predicaments far worse than yours, others will suffer less than you.

Who are you? How honest are you about your character, the inner workings of your heart and mind? It’s easier to portray an outward show of honesty than it is to get honest within. It is easier to be honest when counting the drawer and handing over the money at the end of my shift than it is to consider how far I went to accommodate my customers. Getting honest with myself about why I took an action (or about my inaction) is the hard part.

Has anyone been offended when you gave her or him a compliment? Did they ask you to take it back? I bet they didn’t, and I would place a bigger wager they smiled, thanked you, and left the exchange feeling good about themselves and about humanity. They may have even walked away wondering why they don’t do those kinds of good-natured things.

Is your value based on the number of birthday cards you receive each year or the texts you get on other important dates? Does proof of your worth arrive in the form of gifts and compliments or do you believe people love you regardless of gestures? Do you know whom reached out to whom last? If so, you are functioning from a place of self-centered fear and not from wholehearted love. You are keeping score; therefore, you cannot live freely.

How do you communicate with those around you? Are your words helping or hurting you and others? Do you interact with people in a way that bridges connection or creates division? Buddhist philosophy suggests we check all communication through this test: Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? Most likely what you feel you need to say will not pass at least one of these considerations.

We often associate a difficult conversation with stressful confrontation but one has little to do with the other. The word confrontation evokes an aggressive, oppositional feeling. We compare it to an argument. However, dispute is only one definition of confrontation and a sacrificial one at that. We sacrifice solution when we enter conversations aggressively and with opposition. A more palatable definition of confrontation is a face-to-face meeting.

Forcing another person to change using the razor-sharp, double-edge sword of shame cuts you and them down simultaneously. It boomerangs as fast as an Aboriginal Australian huntsman can throw it, and only makes you feel worse. You cannot beat shame at its own game. Shaming someone into “right” behavior never works. Education, empowerment, and truthful discussions encourage accountability which lead to change, personally and collectively. The Shame Game does not.