Is It True, Is It Kind, Is It Necessary?
How do you communicate with those around you? Are your words helping or hurting you and others? Do you interact with people in a way that bridges connection or creates division? Buddhist philosophy suggests we check all communication through this test: Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? Most likely what you feel you need to say will not pass at least one of these considerations.
I believe that if I’m compelled to say something, it is true, at least for me. I am also able to say most things with kindness. I get jammed up on the third question: Is it necessary? I bet you get jammed up at this point too.
Most things do not need to be said and if they do, they probably do not need to be said by us. (Some things absolutely do need to be said. Our job is to discern between the two.) Emotionally mature humans understand that the less they say, the better. The provocation to speak typically arises to fill a personal need, and often times we aren’t thinking much about how the person is going to receive the message. We tell ourselves that people need to hear things for their own good but if we get honest, it’s to calm a fear and quell an anxiety or to prove something to somebody, to get them to see and hear us.
The majority of human interaction is, at the heart, self-serving and emanates from whichever emotion is ruling at the time.
Our words and actions are based on how we perceive ourselves and the world in that moment; often said and done to get a need met. Sometimes we do things purely out of love for another, but it’s more common that we take an action to gain something in return—to feel good about who we are or to get something we want. As a human this is normal. There is nothing wrong with acting to get a need met, but we must make sure our words and actions are building both parties up, not tearing down. We must be mindful of creating connection, not division.
Most situations provide an opportunity for connection.
Seizing opportunities to lift up myself and others is how I utilize my human instincts to work for me instead of against me. I take advantage of scenarios that fuel my ego, the ones which push me to react selfishly, to reflect on why I feel the need to do or say something. I attempt to hold off on responding until my motive is revealed. Once aware of my true intention, I pass it through the ‘Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?’ filter and if I answer yes to all three questions, I craft my response with the aim of helping others to feel good about themselves.
Helping others to feel good about themselves makes me feel good about myself—It’s a win-win situation.
I don’t always behave as I should, but I certainly try, and sometimes try is all I can do. Sometimes try is all any of us can do and if you are trying, thank you. Let’s keep trying together, because someday, we will hit the mark.
