Approach, Don’t Confront
We often associate a difficult conversation with stressful confrontation but one has little to do with the other. The word confrontation evokes an aggressive, oppositional feeling. We compare it to an argument. However, dispute is only one definition of confrontation and a sacrificial one at that. We sacrifice solution when we enter conversations aggressively and with opposition. A more palatable definition of confrontation is a face-to-face meeting. That’s it, a simple one-on-one talk. Nothing more.
Replace the word confront with approach.
The word approach strikes a calm, empowering tone whereas confront induces anxiety. By approaching a conversation, you embody the energy of confidence, trusting yourself to show up with an open mind and an open heart. You reduce anxiety when you come to the table willing to work it out instead of looking for a fight. Becoming conscious of how your presence makes the other person feel (being mindful of your energy) increases your odds of working it out. Inviting someone into a calm space benefits all parties but you cannot offer something that you do not possess. This means you must come into comfortable partnership with vulnerability.
We set up a safe space to approach a problem by removing the emotional charge. First, make an attempt to understand how the other person feels. Typically, there is a deeper reason for their poor behavior; they are hurting, frustrated, or anxious about something unrelated to what appears to be the issue. Understanding what’s motivating their actions will help you to find compassion for them. Next, express how you feel—vulnerably, with honesty and humility. The person with whom you are speaking will most likely lower their guard and hear you more clearly when you come from the heart. We practice these principles by choosing words carefully.
Words are mighty, and once spoken are hard to take back. They also create reality. Choose wisely.
Humility and vulnerability are found in the “I,” never the “you.” The “I” is self-focused, compassionate, and love-based; the “you” is accusatory, judgmental, and fear-based. “I” lowers the other persons guard. “You” indicates blame and is a guaranteed invitation for heightened defenses.
Taking responsibility for your feelings and relaying them lovingly and honestly opens the door for the other person to express compassion for you. It creates a space for you to be heard. Leave their offensive actions out of it, otherwise you will likely receive a contemptuous response. They may feel guilty and respond from a place of righteous justification which only fuels the blame game.
Which option do you think will bid the relationship well?
If possible, before beginning your “I” statement, express that you may have an idea why the person said or did what they did and that you want to understand. This indicates that your concern for them takes precedence over your desire to be heard and they will feel seen and loved. Ask them to explain. Listen. When the time is right, jump into their emotions with them. Align yourself with their pain, hurt, or fear.
You will get much further in your quest for resolution when the other party feels loved instead of blamed.
