Unrealistic Expectations

Expectations are at the heart of resentment, and disconnection. We must learn to manage expectations if we want to feel loving partnership with ourselves and others.

I often live in delusion, believing that someone is capable of a certain emotion or of changing, or that they are interested in becoming capable when they aren’t. When I learn they cannot or will not do for me what I want them to, I get resentful and pull away.

We have all sorts of expectations: of our partners, our children, our parents, our friends, our children’s teachers, our bosses, our neighbors, ourselves. We even have expectations of our pets: to sit, stay, welcome us home joyfully, and to stop making noise. If something is breathing, we have an expectation of it. We have expectations of events and places too: our wedding day, the birth of our children, the hospital those children are birthed in, the schools we send them to, Christmas morning, the awards ceremony, and funerals. The first and last examples (weddings and funerals) carry the heaviest emotional charge due to a strong investment in managing other people’s feelings, which we think will lead to a smooth experience.

Our level of vulnerability while in these scenarios determines the approximate dimensions of the expectation. A lack of vulnerability forces us to clamber for safety within our emotions.

We then create unrealistic expectations of others with the desire to control the outcome, believing that a predictable outcome will result in predictable emotions. Predictability lessens anxiety.

Entering these situations secure in your feelings will help you to feel safe to respond in whatever heartfelt way the situation calls for. This reduces the need to set great expectations because people’s actions do not dictate your emotions.

Connecting with your emotions and reaffirming your safety to show up however you feel moved to prior to entering an emotionally charged situation will lessen your need for control. Expectation-setting will disappear.

If you feel the need to create an expectation, communicating it to the person or people involved is wise. Misunderstandings borne from assumption can be avoided by opening the lines of communication. We often expect people to be mind-readers and when a person, place, or thing does not meet our unspoken, unrealistic expectations we are quick to blame. Righteous in our pride, we tell ourselves reasons why we are right, and they are wrong, without having one conversation about it. Talking about it serves everyone better but we often don’t do this until the pain becomes too great. Then it comes rushing out, usually with more dramatic display than an aurora borealis over Iceland, and with about as much chill. Expressing your needs clearly from the start will set you up for success. An honest discussion will pave the way for realistic expectations. 

I’ve also heard that having no expectations is the key to happiness. I beg to differ. A lack of expectation is a form of emotional self-protection; no expectation equates to no disappointment. If I intend to grow through my relationships (which is the sole purpose of relationships), I must be willing to feel let down now and then. At that point I can assess if my expectations are realistic and adjust them accordingly and honestly based on the person I am dealing with and their capacity to meet those expectations.

I am allowed to (and must) create realistic expectations of people in my life if I intend to maintain healthy relationships. When the other person respects my expectations and puts forth effort to meet them, I feel valued, worthy, seen, and heard. And I absolutely deserve to feel valued, worthy, seen, and heard.

So do you.